Angry, Pray for me!!!

Have you ever been so angry that even though you prayed, you still are boiling? Well, I am over the top HOT!!! The saying is, that people can only do to you what you allow them to! The saying, is that you are responsible for your emotions! Ok, but when someone continues to come at you from different angles and doesn't relent, what? I try not saying anything in hopes of not provoking a bad situation into a very explosive episode! Yet, even after meditating, praying, and just ignoring it happens! I blow and I go over the top and beyond where I want to be or ever expected. Have you ever been able to see yourself hurting someone, saying unmentionable things to happen to them, and in that moment being willing to go to jail for what you want to do. That's a spirit! One that through this ill-advised decision to allow this undeserving person into your life has a whole lot of ungodly followings that have attached themselves to your space. Pray for me! No joke! Pray for me! I have much to do and no time or any more patience and tolerance for this foolish one and the imps that follow! So, I am continuing to pray that the change begins with me! My actions are not pleasing to God and I so desire to return to Him with a contrite heart and washed hands that He may use me to His glory! I know that I am angry to the point of medicate me to remove this feeling. It makes you want to be alone and never speak of the evil that you have encountered believing that you are doing good only to have it evil spoken of. Why, because when that overwhelming wave of anger comes the Christ in me no longer resonates and the presence that I hear as I explode is not of my Father! Pray for me! Truly, pray for me! I encourage you to pray daily! Today, I ask, when you pray, pray for me! I have come to realize that those who I thought were closer to me than blood have been removed for whatever reason God has seen fit. Because, I have gone over it along with everything else to figure out what is my part in this and I still don't know why for the most part I awake and am alone outside of God and my son. I try to feel as though I am not only to realize that I am. For the most part if I don't call or go by then there is no contact. I am guilty of wanting to be alone cause its easier than discussing it and having it be the topic of others conversation of how stupid you are for the state you are in. So you close off unsure of who you are. Even though if you allowed people will continue to ask you to do without even recognizing that you have lost your way somehow. Almost, four years ago come July 2 I made a decision to see what was going to be when I went into early labor and my baby girl is not here. Since, that moment I have tried to stop myself from talking about it because the pain is unbearable. I believe that decision cost me my baby and the guilt I feel for that moment and the anger I have let take over so that I blame the one who was there with me for every wrong in my life since that moment! Yet, people don't want to hear that so I am writing, pray for me! Pray that the anger stops rising and I through faith and prayer trust God to heal my heart and my mind! Anger, depression, grief, and worthlessness can render you to be existing but not present. To where you are functioning but not fully alive to the moment. I will live in my present again and I am in a fight to do so because everytime I look at my son who will be 2 July 13 I know that I have to live in the joy that God has given me fully without the hauntings of my past, my anger, my whatever is hindering my newness of life! Pray for ME!!!